Your Nervous System Doesn’t Need Calm — It Needs Capacity
Because regulation isn’t only about being still. It’s about building the range to meet what life throws at you, without losing yourself in the process.
Author’s note:
This piece was born out of a mix of lived experience and countless conversations. I’m not a somatics teacher or a trauma therapist. However, I’m someone who had to learn this work myself (from appropriately skilled professionals), as a PTSD survivor and as someone who supports others in doing their own inner work.
I coach people, specifically leaders in fast-paced environments, who know how to perform, achieve, and deliver, but not always how to rest. Together, we explore how to move from survival stress to growth mode, at a pace that feels safe and sustainable to them.
If you’re listening to this or reading along, I share this Substack letter as a shared reflection, not as advice, so that it might offer you a way to notice where your nervous system might be asking for something different.
Lately, it feels like every other post on LinkedIn or Instagram mentions “nervous system regulation.” It’s become the new “mindfulness”... a phrase that sounds grounded and scientific but often gets flattened into lifestyle fluff.
The challenge is much of the conversation around nervous system regulation seems to miss the point.
A regulated nervous system isn’t merely about achieving (permanent) calm, or never feeling anxious, or doing more breathwork until you float away. This is about having a nervous system that adapts; a flexible system that can respond, recover, and return to safety when life inevitably shakes things up.
Because life will shake things up. Layoffs, a health diagnosis, losing a loved one, a relationship breakdown....sometimes several of these storms all at once.
And if you’re a high performer, someone who knows how to push through, deliver under pressure, and keep going when others tap out, then “relaxing” can actually feel threatening. Calm can feel foreign. Stillness might feel unsafe. Slowing down feels like crippling self doubt, “Have I forgotten to do something?”
So let’s clear the air…
🧠 Top Myths about Nervous System Regulation
These are only a selection of the messages I see on social media, often promising folks that if only you can come back to calm, you’re probably winning the high stakes in the nervous system regulation game. We cannot hack our way into a regulated state, but we can keep applying what we learn, to build nervous system capacity.
1. “Being regulated means being calm all the time.”
Nope. Calm is just one flavour of regulation. A healthy nervous system moves between states — activation, focus, rest, play — and does so with agility. Think fluidity, not flatness.
*Stephen Porges, The Polyvagal Theory (2011)
2. “You can think your way into regulation.”
Cognitive tools like reframing can help, but your nervous system is a body thing. You can’t out-think a racing pulse. Regulation happens through sensory experience — breath, movement, sound, touch.
*Deb Dana, The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy (2018)
3. “Slowing down is always regulating.”
For some, slowing down too fast feels unsafe. If you’ve lived in chronic activation, jumping straight to stillness can actually spike anxiety. Sometimes you need movement before rest.
4. “Regulation is a solo project.”
We love our independence myths, but humans are wired for co-regulation. Feeling safe with another person — eye contact, laughter, touch — is foundational to our biology.
5. “Anxiety = dysregulation.”
Not always. Anxiety is a natural activation response. The problem is when we get stuck there. Your body isn’t malfunctioning, it’s trying to protect you.
6. “You need expensive tools or long rituals.”
Regulation doesn’t require a sauna membership or hour-long meditation. It’s about consistency, not complexity. Ordinary moments count.
7. “Once you’re regulated, you stay there.”
Regulation is dynamic. You’ll keep shifting states throughout the day. The skill is noticing and recovering faster, not staying perfectly calm.
Five Unconventional Ways to Regulate (that don’t require more time)
This is a ‘love note’ for the time-poor, high-achieving human who finds rest suspicious (you know I’m looking at you 👀 😃)...
1. Micro-moments of embodiment.
Before your next meeting, take ten seconds to feel your feet. Drop your shoulders. Unclench your jaw. Stand in your favourite power pose. Regulation in micro doses adds up.
2. Strategic intensity.
If calm feels inaccessible, start with controlled activation: a cold shower, shaking out your hands, or a quick burst of movement. Sometimes your body needs to discharge energy before it can settle. (My go-to favourites are a brisk walk, or dancing it out to a high-energy playlist).
3. Use your voice.
Humming, chanting, or singing (yes, in the car counts) stimulates the vagus nerve. It’s biology’s way of saying: “You’re safe enough to make sound.” (Anyone else have a ‘power song’ that they sing aloud to?)
4. Co-regulate intentionally.
Connection regulates. Reach out to someone who feels safe — text, call, eye contact, pet your dog. Tiny social cues of safety are nervous system medicine. Here’s a tip from my toolkit: proactively reach out, schedule a ‘play date’. As adults, we sometimes forget we can give ourselves fun and connection to look forward to.
5. Tune your environment.
Light, sound, and temperature are constant signals to your body. Adjust them consciously. Maybe softer light, a familiar scent, or even, silence between tasks. What are these cues or sensory signals for you?
💡 Why Nervous System Regulation Matters
You don’t have to reach burnout or PTSD to learn that a regulated nervous system is not a luxury; this is a self-leadership skill.
You respond instead of react.
You read others more accurately.
You recover faster after stress.
You stay creative, empathetic, and clear.
At work, it could mean fewer defensive meetings and more grounded decision-making. In relationships, it might mean being able to stay present when things get hard.
Biologically speaking, dysregulation (chronic fight, flight, or freeze states) keeps stress hormones elevated, inflammation high, and empathy low. *Robert Sapolsky, Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers (2004)
Here’s one I can share from having invested time, energy, resources in doing this work for the better part of 7 years following big T trauma: nervous system regulation isn’t about avoiding discomfort. It’s about increasing your capacity to stay with yourself through times of adversity, chaos, disruption.
Avoidance, hyper vigilance, social vigilance and “Other-ing” are just nervous systems trying to protect themselves. But when we learn to work with our biology, rather than against it, we become more available to life, to others, and to meaning itself.
So maybe the work of regulating your nervous system isn’t about being calm at all.
Maybe it’s about learning how to be alive — without losing yourself in the process.
This piece comes from ongoing conversations with clients and my own journey of unlearning the myth that “calm” equals “regulated.” If any of this resonates, you’re not alone. The work of regulating your nervous system isn’t about getting it “right.” This is about building capacity for life, one moment of awareness at a time.
If you’re exploring this terrain yourself, go gently. Get curious. Seek good support. And remember — the goal isn’t perfection. It’s presence.
🌟 Your presence. Your aliveness. Your joy.
Copyright Avril Lobo and Road to Joy 2025.
What sparked joy for me this past week…
🌟 Honestly? A nervous system that is humming in the midst of three high-pressure life and work projects. Noticing what nervous system state I’m in and accessing the tools from my toolkit that help me up-regulate, down-regulate and flex to meet the moment.
🌟 This Substack essay, Nervous System 101: A joyful, goblin-approved guide to nervous system literacy (and why it changes everything) from the incredible Chloe Markham
🌟 This Substack essay, just what some of us recovering good girls need to hear: How to Finally Hear Your Intuition After Years of People-Pleasing from psychotherapist Steff Sorady Arias
🌟 Integrating increasing levels of clarity around my work: ongoing job crafting, closing new volunteering opportunities, and redefining what success means to me with a self-worth no longer tied to work.
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Amen to every word of this, Avril. I too have been increasingly concerned about the misinformation regarding what nervous system regulation means. Healthy nervous systems react to stress and pressure, they are supposed get activated, but they also known to how to return to their base level of non-activation in an appropriate and timely manner. So much of the ‘expert advice’ floating around the socials, while well intended, can leave folks at an even greater disadvantage by making them believe they are supposed to be perpetually calm no matter the circumstances. I love all of your guidance here, particularly around co-regulation and environmental factors. Another beautifully written, well researched / evidenced, and thought provoking piece 🙌🙏🌿
I appreciate how you highlighted the importance of working with our biology rather than against it. Your examples of unconventional ways to regulate, like humming or using our voice, are so practical and accessible. Thank you for sharing your expertise and experiences! 🙏